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Frédéric Petitjean’s so-called thriller is devoid of all excitement and life that it made me dislike “Leon.” If Jean Reno didn’t appear in that 1994 Luc Besson blockbuster, I doubt he would’ve still been cast as a hitman over twenty-five years later. Life really is tragic, especially for a man like Reno where his remaining years involve pretending to care in a movie titled “Henry,” where he plays a hitman. Staggeringly divorced from everyday reality, Henry exemplifies the ‘serious movie hitmen’ who thinks The Art of War was written for him. He lives in nowhere remote and survives solely off of breathing fire as a putrid caricature of a killer fueled by post-Léon novelization fame. It’s beyond sad how visually incompetent this film is. Both Reno and Arbogast look like they are cashing in favors and apparently don’t even feel motivated to try.
We see Henry in the starting scenes of the movie. He has been in a French coma for a long time, and is awakened by two criminals trying to kill him. It would be much better if this was where the film starts, but I feel like this is exactly the ending portion. After some dangerously violent struggle, one of his assailants gets thrown out a window while the other hangs by their waist out of the window wearing a belt with torn clothes that seemed to him violently unbuttoned.”This is how a woman named Melody (Sarah Lind) enters the life of Henry (Jürgen Prochnow). She has an accident on a snowmobile close to his isolated cabin, and he discovers her unconscious body. While recovering her body, the film starts introducing us to Detective Kappa (Joe Anderson), who stubbornly tries to solve what he thinks is one of Henry’s last crimes. The questions are: Will trust be restored between them? Why was she in Boston Rockies? And finally, how does Kappa arrive at the snowy locations that complete the rest of the movie?
While all these questions have answers which require time to uncover, it becomes increasingly frustrating trying to find them. It’s actually quite apparent from very far away what the reason behind “Melody” is, yet the filmmakers try so much harder than they need to make you think otherwise. “Cold Blood” promptly turns into an exercise in boredom — one that stems not only from the virtually non-existent storyline but also from awkwardly serves some of 2023’s most cringeworthy dialog scratches penned by a toddler. It feels as if someone took a third-grade crime novel and translated it using Google Translate before letting a group of kindergartners memorize their lines phonetically.
Some dialogues in “Cold Blood” struck me as either contextually out of place or awkwardly worded. It felt like I was watching a poorly dubbed movie, and needed to remind myself that the film was not actually dubbed. The script includes a scene with an elderly woman suffering from dementia that reminds me of something from Wiseau.
To address the burning question: is “Cold Blood” a B movie? No, it still retains some production qualities. Let me share my experience instead; last year, I reviewed Gotti so harshly that people sought it out just to experience the cinematic car crash for themselves. I heard later than none of those people enjoyed it. This time around, you can believe me when I say “Cold Blood” isn’t laughably terrible; it’s just dull for most viewers.